In my clergy notes two weeks ago, I wrote in expectant anticipation about my study leave and the project I hoped to complete. Now, on the other side of that short but fruitful time, having completed what I set out to do, I am grateful for the prayers, support, and encouragement which made it possible for me to do so.
Although my work was fruitful, the journey has only just begun, and the process to get here has been very long. In completing this phase, I realized that in that span of time (over three years), I have been experiencing less moments of ‘sensing’ God and increasingly more moments of needing to trust in God’s promises and presence. Anyone who has read St John of the Cross’ poem Dark Night, or his commentary on it, Ascent of Mt Carmel, may recognize this phase of the soul’s journey as “the dark night of the spirit.”
In a nutshell, he says that in our soul’s (inherently unknowable) journey towards mystical union with the unknowable God, there are two stages: “the dark night of the senses,” and “the dark night of the spirit.” Not to be confused with the modern use of ‘dark night of the soul’ to describe a difficult period in life or a crisis of faith, St John describes it as a purgation of sorts:
“The soul is conscious of a profound emptiness in itself… it sees itself in the midst of the opposite evils, miserable imperfections, dryness and emptiness of the understanding, and abandonment of the spirit in darkness.”
While this sounds very dramatic indeed, the good news is that these moments, as long as we are well-rooted in our faith, may actually be an indicator that we are on the right track. Staying consistent in prayer and leaning into our community of faith is critical in these moments because we are hedged by the tradition we inherit and by the communion we share. If we stay the course, even when we are terribly conscious of our ‘miserable imperfections’ and fail to sense God’s presence; even when we feel empty of understanding or abandoned in darkness, we can be certain that together, we are still moving towards that perfect union with God, in every faithful step.
Have you ever experienced a dark night of the soul? Perhaps you are in one right now? Wherever you are, know that God is with you, and the communion of saints is with you as well… and your Rector, who loves and prays for you, is there with you too.
Mother Amanda